I work really "F"ing hard. Every day. I don't take plays off, I play hurt, I sacrifice for my team... and I expect to get something back in return for all of that. I expect to get some things back that work for me, that I need, that make my life easier. That's the deal.
Oops.
Doesn't quite work like that. Don't get me wrong, you can set your life up like that. Lord knows I gave it a really good try. But over the last 18 weeks I have started to learn (not sure I'm going to finish this lesson any time soon, by the way) that all the stuff that I think I'm entitled to by putting in all the effort I do, might come my way, but it really might not. And I need to put that level of effort in anyway.
For those of us who have grown up with sports, keeping score, setting goals and achieving them, this is really hard. Sounds like a really raw deal. Life should be more transactional. "I want X, so I'm going to do Y." But I don't care what X is - a good night's sleep, a sincere thank you, good sex (any sex), time just to think or watch a game on TV - being a parent and a good husband has got nothing to do with this equation. Simple, brutal truth is that being a Dad means putting in 110 percent every day because that's just about the minimum amount required to keep your family up and running and your kid safe and supported. I know it feels like a super-human effort, but that super-human effort isn't even going to get you on the travel squad. You got to put that in just to get invited back to practice.
OK, but just because the transaction is jacked up, doesn't mean you don't get something out of it. Its just that instead of getting "X", you might get a "W" or a "B" or a "£%". You don't know what you are going to get or when. But if you let go a bit of X, you realize that all the other stuff you are getting is pretty damn fulfilling. Doesn't mean you won't grieve (and I mean that in the most literal way possible - full on stages of grief too - I am going through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance on just about every piece of my X that I'm giving up). Part of my motivation for finding time to write this morning is that my wife and child are asleep this morning after I stayed up half the night dealing with a fussy little girl. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm behind on work, and you know what, my wife isn't going to thank me for last night. You know why? Because she's more tired than I am.
My daughter isn't going to remember last night and won't thank me either. BUT - she makes this squawk now when she's excited, kind of like she's impersonating a Pterodactyl, or a chicken with a brain tumor and she made me laugh so hard last night, I almost woke up my poor wife from the next room. These moments come between extended periods of fatigue and drudgery, but they come.
I just have to keep focusing on what I have and all the new stuff that comes every day and keep letting go of all the things I think I SHOULD be getting out of this. Being a Dad just doesn't work that way.
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